Trouble with rooftop sunsets

Turns out I get the van back today instead of Wednesday. I was able to find a local who has been super helpful and great at keeping me in the loop. I will give his business a shout out as soon as I get the van back in one piece. Today! I’m so excited to get her back.

Tomorrow night Celeste and I are driving up to Flagstaff to go to a Climate Conference and camp for the weekend. Climate 2020 will be filled with lots of information on the changing climate in Arizona and solutions for places like Phoenix as the planet heats up. As someone who is always shocked by the rising temps when I visit in the summer (disgusted, astounded, ‘This is completely inhabitable’), I am looking forward to understanding what Arizona can do to not burst entirely into flames. I’m also looking forward to learning about action the Arizona communities can take to better the air quality in these hot, sprawling desert cities. Flagstaff will offer colder days and nights. I will swap shorts for pants and hoodies, maybe a coat. I have enjoyed the sunshine immensely but I find myself longing for the reliability of the cold. Luna will be reluctant to leave her spot on the porch, but Sunday I will be dragging us both away and down the highway towards California.

There is no question that living on the road gives you immense freedom. That is one of the reasons I find myself here today. The freedom of sleeping wherever and whenever, coming and going. But what I have been looking forward to most is the freedom to spend and structure my time in whatever way I please. I have so many things I’d like to try, practice, and achieve. Meditation, yoga, reading. I want to set aside a day or two a week to learn Spanish. I want to hike, write, and create. I want to meet new people and spend time helping others. Living in Celeste’s home, I have done my best to start these habits. I am starting mediation again, with the help of my headspace app. I am structuring my blog and sticking to deadlines, eating just a little bit better.

A lot of the time, I feel better than I have in months. I have days where I am filled with pride and hope. I feel confidence and strength that I have been missing for so long. I feel like I am on track and doing the thing. But I think its just important to share—some days, some hours—the clouds come overhead and I don’t feel great. I feel like letting the bed swallow me whole. It is warm and safe and familiar. It’s really easy to fall into a nap for too many hours, to sleep in later for no reason. To then reprimand myself for trying so little to be better, feeling completely at fault for the dread that creeps up. I look at the cycle of my depression and do my best to challenge it. I could do better at giving myself grace. Everyday I manage to get myself up eventually and do the things and go through the motions. Get up, drink coffee, work a couple hours, write a blog post. Until it passes. Because it does.

Last night Celeste and I watched the sunset on the roof of her apartment complex. With a little grocery store sushi and $3 wine, we hashed out our day as the world turned a shade of pink around us. Arizona skies are so colorful at sunset, every evening displaying another show of colors. And for some reason her management doesn’t want us walking around an area without rails drinking wine just to watch the sunset? Party poopers. We guiltily climbed down while Celeste insists there are no signs saying you can’t get on the roof.

There are a few Van festivals happening and coming up that I am excited to attend. The RTR (Rubber Tramp Rendezvous) will likely bring me back to Arizona in January. Miraculously the Van Build Fest ends in a little over a week in Parker, AZ. I have lists of things I want to see and do and I want to expand. If you were out in this van right now, what would you do?

I hope to get this show on the road next week.